Friday, 13 May 2016

the issues with the past life.

i believe in reincarnation. till date reincarnation was one of the answers of "why good people suffer". the answer was simple "they did something wrong in their past life". simple as that.. but if you go in the deeper realm of it, you will catch some of the loopholes.
for example, in my life, currently i am 28 years old. and mind you that all of these 28 years were full of terrible sufferings and deep deep sorrows. i never liked my own life. but yes till date i have never done anything wrong with anyone.
i promise that i always remain at my best in terms of morality, no matter how much sever conditions are. infact i helped numerous persons in my life. including friends who at later proved to be worse than enemies.
well today i cry before god. i do not know what wrong i have done in my past life, since i can not recall the memories of my past lives. and thus i can never get the answer that what was my terrible sin which is leading me to such a disastrous life. to be true now this "past life" issue has become such a pain for me. i have even cried before god, and each time i cry before god, the tears come in my eyes from deep deep down inside from my heart. i cry whole whole heartedly before god, that god if i have really done some sin in my past life, then please god please punish my physically. broke my legs or do something terribly, but please god please do not strip every single joy of my life.

even after crying from whole heart, he never answered me. i am ready to suffer from the sin physically, and that too terribly so that every single sin gets wiped away from me. but i am not ready to give every single pleasure of my life and live a life which is full of misery and terrible pain.

Friday, 29 April 2016

part-4, me and my father...keep hurting each other.

having suffered from each and every account in my life, I am suffering and struggling in the account of my father too. and that too very emotionally.
well see the case of today.
I was boiling the milk, when father entered in the kitchen, I just said in fun, "will you watch the milk?" he replied angrily, he said yes why not. afterall I am a pet dog, and it is the duty of a pet dog to take care of every single thing in the house..
(saying someone a dog is a tremendous insult in my region, I never expected this kind of very rough type reply from him)
i felt seriously hurt with this reply.. i never thought that my father will reply like that, whatever i said was in fun only. i never meant to hurt my father,, ofcourse my father have taken my words in some kind of other way, which may have hurt him. that is why he replied like that..

to be true, both me and my father are very good person. i respect my father too much. i love him very very much. because he is the most honest person of this world. he never did any kind of cheat in account of money in his service (government job) of many many years. and yes today many many persons respect him because of his honesty. my father also admit that his son is like a diamond. he say these words to others (excluding me).
but yes,, whenever we both met, we just quarrel only. we both are just opposite of each other. neither of our hobbies and interests ever met. this is why clashes between him and me keep happening.

i am just tired of this kind of life. i have respect for him, i want to change the things around me, i want to change the way things are going. and yes for it i have already done whatever i can.
but today it seems to me that no matter whatever i do, no matter how many efforts i put to change,, but neither of the circumstances will ever go to any change.

i have already suffered too much in the matter of love. way much more than anyone else. kindly see those sufferings here
(explained in very short)

kindly see the above link, and if possible then please read the other links also. i am ruined. i am ruined. i suffered in friendship terribly, i suffered in matter of love very sadly, and i am suffering in family matters also.
god please please i beg you please i beg you too much, too much, god you are free to punish me with a rod, you can beat me with it, if i have done something wrong in my previous birth. but please god, please stop all these kind of sufferings. please god. i beg you. i beg you...

Sunday, 24 April 2016

part 3 of my life, the evils are enjoying

though my whole life itself is a misery, but in this part I will discuss the life of those who betrayed me and betrayed the whole world of innocents
my ex girlfriend after breaking the heart of 4 of her boy friends including me, got a very dashing boyfriend who was in indian army.
my friend who was utterly selfish criminal asshole, enjoyed too much of sexual pleasures by cheating very criminally with a married women.
actually a women who was married and having a child was living near his home, her married life was at vain. and a court case was going on so that she can take divorce with her husband.
she started liking my criminal type of friend. my friend showed himself that he is very very moral person and will marry with her after the divorce. I call my friend a criminal because he lied with that girl. he was interested in sexual pleasure only.
after enjoying very much with that girl, he left her. he did all these things intentionally, as that time he had already shared his plan with some of his bad friends.
when he left her, she got a very bad shock of her life. she was hoping that she will enjoy a very good married life with him, she was really in love with him. so she wanted to commit suicide. she even tried for it but due to lack of courage to kill herself,, she failed. she is still alive..
and yes,, not to mention that my friend who cheated plenty of innocents in his life is also alive and still enjoying his life as always...
what I want to know that how he ever got success in his such type of criminal plans. we were innocent, both me and that women were. but both got plenty of sorrows, plenty of sorrows in the world of god...

Monday, 18 April 2016

the foolishnesh of me. my life story . part -2

in part 2, i will talk about some very tragic moment of my life. meanwhile sorry if i do any mistake in english.
during my 18s, i took admission in a college. that time i was a person with sole foolishness, better if it would be called gullible-ness or total innocent-ness. that time i was suffering from night-falls. why? because i was not doing any kind of sexual act like masturbation. sex is something natural and when you try to avoid it, you may start suffering from things like that. i had very less knowledge about sex that time. because of night-falls i started fearing that if this thing continues i will become impotent one day. since all of the semen which is inside my body will come to an end one day, like that.

that time i had a friend in my college. he didn't had any bike those days. so i start giving lift to him in my bike. i gave him lift for many months. he become closer to my heart. i started treating him as my brother. one day i discussed my problem of nightfall with him. and i asked for 250 indian rupees to him. (note: 250 indian rupees was the fees of doctor for treatment) (all these things are 10 year old incidences). that time i used to get around 50 indian rupees for my breakfast ( or lunch) during college recess. i never discussed my problem with my parents due to that fact that initially they will think that i am a bad person and because of my bad habits i am trapped with the problem of night-falls. my friend whom i asked for 250 rupees said that he will give me within 2-4 days. after 2-4 days i got the same reply from him. whenever the time come to take money from him, i always get some excuses from him. you won't believe in me, but its true that 6 months passed. but he never borrowed that much rupees to me.

the money i used to get from my father always gets spend in breakfast etc. i though that i will take some money from my friend as loan and will repent him somehow. that time i never ever thought that some person can be so so much selfish that he will enjoy the free lift (in bike) from me for months, but will never ever help me... i never had thought that such selfish persons can exists.

he was a friend of mine for almost 2 years. and believe me in these 2 years whatever things i saw in his nature (innate-nature) tought me the most most bitter lesson of my life.

i have few thoughts now. actually these thoughts are my firm opinions now....
1. just like a positive charge attracts the negative charge, same is in this universe, the more gulliable you are the more you are likely to find a cheater. they are like negative charges, they will come in your life, they will fool you. and all you can do is to cry.. cry on your fate. but you know what? fate is written by the so called all powerful god. and it is fixed.. he is not and never going to change it..

lets ask a simple question to the god...
1. oh god why, why the hell you made a universe in which you make gulliable persons in your image, and then send cruel peoples to take advantage of those gulliable persons...why always good peoples suffer...why not we see those criminals suffering? are they dear to you? are they like you? are you like them? (cruel and asshole?)

Saturday, 16 April 2016

did god ruined my life? part-1

this is the part one of my life..

i born in a not so poor family. however later my family's income increased..
from the very childhood i had huge attraction towards true love. and so i always wished that i should also have love in my life. however i never got love. when i reached at the age of 24 till date i never touched any girl, never got any hug also. in the age of 24 a girl came in my life. she came through facebook. in facebook she was my friend and she come to know that i believe in true love only. she herself shared her mobile number with me, and started sharing her feelings with me.

just after two months she started ignoring me, i came to know she has a new boyfriend. and that time she also had promised him that she truly loves him and will never leave him. OKAY... i asked her about him, she said that he is her friend and nowadays he is suffering from many many problems, and i am helping him to overcome from problems. if i tell him the truth that she love me (blog writer) and not him, then he will feel very i will not tell him the truth.

i was very very innocent guy, i immediately believed in her. while she was a very very cunning girl.

two months passed, in these two months she always insisted that she loves me truly and will leave him as soon as him problem gets solved. after two months she (from herself, not because of me) broke his heart. and she got a new boyfriend, who was a muslim and had been in jail for a case of murder. 
again after around one month she came with a new boy friend..

shocking very shocking. i was very very innocent hearted person. and she always used to cheat with me by narrating emotional stories of her boy friends to me. i was not even able to understand that what is going on in my life...
i was in too much pain. i never cheated any one. i never cheated any single person in my life i swear. but then why these things are happening with me. i decided to go in the shelter of god. he is all loving, he is merciful, he can do whatever he wants...

so i go in a temple of the lord. i offered a coconut. i described my feelings to him from my whole whole heart. i described my feelings for around two hours. from that day i started going temple every day and offering a coconut everyday everyday. also i started lighting incense sticks of very very fine quality. that time i was facing severe financial issues. still i did because god can do any miracle he likes. i prayed to that god for around three months, that too without any single gap. two hours of prayer daily with a coconut and fine quality incenses.
after three months i cut down the incense sticks, since i was already in financial trouble. but continued with coconut. for the next two months.and cut down the limit of prayer to half an hour daily.

so overall for around five months of rigorous penance, i got nothing from the all powerful lord. i did whatever i can, i even cried i cried from my whole whole heart. my feelings may have moved a mountain, if lord was really there.

in my life i have always read quotations like this. :-
1. god gives you what you deserve, he never makes any single mistake.
2. the more you suffer, the closer you are to the great great god.
3. the more you suffer, the earlier you will get the moksha.

so you know what? after five months of rigourous penance i convinced my self that i do not deserve love, that really i do not deserve love.. i am a fool. i am a person who can be fooled easily, and persons like this are not worth love.